PS 11-19-15 *Music, Hoffman, Nibiru

* First a comment:

Today was our day off. So Sylvia and I were able to spend more Time on our “Calling All Humans” song. I’ve been keeping track and we now have 27-hours into this song! As I’ve mentioned before, Sylvia could have written this, or most any song, in about an hour… That’s all the parts written out with melodies, chordal harmonies, words and vocal line. She would also have a good sense of what type of rhythmic structure she wants but looks to me for the details of the rhythm’s texture (which sounds are used) and rhythmic style (“what” and “how much” essence of “rock”, “jazz”, “world”, etc.).

One thing that slowed us down today was with our Korg Krome (keyboard). We were auditioning instruments (listening to various sounds, to see which could be used in different parts of this song) when I noticed something odd. Every time I played a note on its keyboard, not only would that instrument make a sound but we also heard a drum sound — snare drum, cymbal hit, woodblock pitch, etc. I checked the manual and every screen I could, within the Krome, but nothing I changed made any difference. Then Sylvia suggested we “Factory Reset” on the Krome, which I did and it worked!

At one point, while working on the beginning 25-bars of this song, everything seemed to snap together. When it did, I immediately got chills. At that instant, I could almost “see” and “hear” a male (maybe my “Higher Self” or “Future Self”) talking to someone (maybe Sylvia).  (They were about 2-feet from me.) When I saw that, my “sense” was that they were agreeing with what I just accomplished — the song-decisions I just made. Not because they thought it sounded good but because I had finally put the elements into that song which were supposed to be there. I felt as though this song, from THEIR perspective, had been completed many, many Time-Cycles ago and they were simply watching the “me” here get this song to that point.


When I read today’s Posting by Jennifer Hoffman, I immediately thought of the problem we had with our Korg Krome (see above). I was initially thinking both were related to the Solar Flares we’ve been getting but now I’m beginning to think this is happening because the “Matrix” / the “Master Program” can no longer keep all the pieces of this vast illusion together any more. “IF” that’s true, then it means the “Veil” is cracking!

Here’s what she wrote:

  • “My technology has been acting weird for the past few days. My smart phone has decided to do its own thing when I touch the screen and opens random apps or screens, my mouse does the same thing, my computer has been slow at times and at other times it refuses to cooperate. I have done the re-starts and that helps a little but it has only been in the past few days. Has anyone else had strange technology issues this week?”

Question everything.

Here’s the link to her facebook page:


I haven’t included any information regarding “Nibiru” in a while. I HAVE seen several images and videos of a “2nd Sun” and a “ghost planet”, over these last few months but “I” have not had a strong sense that those images are 100-percent un-edited.

  • The 10-minute video on the page below is from the International Space Station. It “supposedly” shows “something odd” in space near the Earth. The video Narrator says this object is “Nibiru”.

I’m including this video of Nibiru (without the “quotes”) because Sylvia wants me to explain something that I just mentioned to HER…

  • NASA keeps a constant watch on the sky and everything in space around the Earth. They could, and probably do, delay the broadcast and distribution of any “audio”, “image” or “video” that they control. For decades, radio and television stations have been delaying certain broadcasts… from a few seconds to a few minutes. With NASA, this would allow them to catch anything they didn’t want the general public to see or hear.
  • For a few years now, Google has had “find an image” software (see link below). So you KNOW NASA has had this technology for even longer. This means a computer is monitoring every video frame which is captured by the Space Station’s cameras and can instantly determine if that particular frame should be released into the public’s stream of data.
  • Since the Cabal own NASA, AND because NASA only releases what the Cabal tells them to release, “IF” the video at the link below is really “Nibiru”, surrounded by a curved dust could, then the general public are now seeing it because the Cabal are using this as part of “Disclosure” (the “official” revealing that Star Visitors are real… and here).

I don’t know what is in that image from the Space Station. Yes, I WANT it to be Nibiru but that “object” doesn’t look like anything. I am hoping this is real and this it IS part of Disclosure. Only Time will tell.

Question everything.

Here’s the link:

Here’s the link to Google’s “find an image” web page:

PS 11-18-15 Hoffman

I found today’s facebook entry, by Jennifer Hoffman, to be very helpful:

  • “Hello everyone, welcome to the new age, that was my first thought when I woke up and this song was in my head. I was thinking about my post yesterday, about the 3D portal that is wide open, showing everyone what this energy really looks like. Sometimes we have to see ‘ugly’ from every angle to choose beauty; we have to see ‘dark’ from every angle to make a conscious and intentional choice for light. And we have to face the deepest, darkest ‘fear’ to decide whether we’re going to spend the rest of our lives being afraid, or to have courage and make more powerful choices. We are powerful together that’s why so much effort is made to keep us disconnected and separate. It’s the power of our fear that becomes the engine that drives the greed, arrogance, and self interest of a tiny group of people. What if we just collectively said ‘no’ and no more? The ‘powers that be’ should give some attention to the ‘energies that be’ now. As I said, karma is an unpleasant life companion and fear may delay progress, evolution, and ascension temporarily, but it will never eliminate their inevitable outcome. The new age is already here, we just have to say no to the old now, 3D served it’s purpose, it’s 5D living from here on out. I’m on board, are you?”

Question everything.

Here’s the link to her facebook page:

PS 11-17-15 *Message, Gaia, Nidle

*First a comment:

The instant I woke-up this morning, I could hear these words repeating in my mind:

  • “You have just been given proof” (that the changes are about to begin).

The words in “quotes” are what I heard. The words in (parenthesis) are the pieces of Knowing that followed-along with them.

I quickly studied this energy ball, to understand where this came from. Of course, I initially thought it was from My Sylvia but this wasn’t the case. I have a strong sense that this came from my own Higher-Self. Either way, this message tells “me” that the “changes”… the “outward manifestations” of what I’ve been searching for, for these last 240-weeks, are now about to unfold. Yes, lots of other things, in “Society” and “behind-the-scenes”, have been happening for quite a while now but this “proof” involves those Bullet-Points that “I” have had on my list for a very long Time.


Another message from “Gaia Portal”:

  • “Warfarins have thinned and are dissolved.”
  • “Morbidities increase at the hu-levels, as Hue-Beings assist.”
  • “Forced elevations are not accepted.”
  • “Crafters come to the front.”

Question everything.

Here’s the link:


This channeled message is through Sheldon Nidle. Here are some excerpts:

  • “The Light in its numerous parts holds the upper hand and these brave ones are succeeding…”
  • “This time is one in which the Light forces have returned in strength and in guile. The strategy employed by the Light’s proponents has brought the dark oligarchs to their knees… Those who support the Light are now proposing how to quicken their demise. Monies are in place and special military and police units are ready to strike a swift and final blow. Thus, the dark’s panic is quite real. We are close to events that have the potential to achieve what has been our grand goal from the beginning. That is, your return to full consciousness and the rise of your freedom and endless prosperity!”
  • “Despite this, we can readily say that this progress has moved beyond anything seen before. Its success is imminent. A truly wonderful day for all participants is about to occur! Take these funds and use them to forge a new and much kinder reality!”

“This realm is very soon to be altered for the better.”

Question everything.

Here’s the link:

PS 11-16-15 *Psychic, *Now, Cobra, Fulford, Zap, Insights

*First a few comments:

*PSYCHIC (abilities?)
Ok. Normally, I would say: “This is a bit weird.”… but, these days, I know better. As we evolve… Especially now, when we are all being upgraded by the energies from the “Galactic Central Sun”, we are understanding more and more of the many facets of this world and the dimension we currently find ourselves in.

Right up until Sylvia and I read today’s eMail, I wasn’t going to mention these 2 things but now, the “coincidence” is too much…

Psychic Impression 1:

  • About a week ago, 1 of the employees in the grocery store where Sylvia and i work, entered my mind. With that: “Oh. I haven’t thought of that person since she quit, many months ago”… came the “sense” that she is now pregnant. This thought was in my mind and then faded and I thought no more about it.
  • Today, another employee, who knows THAT employee (and a few others, who haven’t worked there for a long time), told me THAT employee’s best friend (who also worked with us) had gotten pregnant.
  • So my “sense” was accurate but slightly missed the true target. Being best friends, could have simply blended their energies… enough where that “thought” had branched-onto the wrong person (a “50-50” chance).

Psychic Impression 2:

  • About a week ago, I mentioned that E.R. (who’s on this list) had sent us and eMail showing a huge discount for 8 pieces of software ($15 versus $718). So we bought it. When we did, we noticed placeholders for 2 other products but there was no information about either one.
  • Many years ago, Sylvia and I discovered a simple, pass-the-time, computer game, called: “Snood”. We had used many games over the years but Snood was “just right” We played it a LOT. Of course, ever since 12-months before My Sylvia crossed-over, (when she 1st began to get sick), I removed “fun” from my existence.
  • About 2-weeks ago, for some “strange” reason, a piece of software that Sylvia and I haven’t heard about in a VERY long time (probably 8-years), entered my mind. The software is a Macintosh Word Processing program called: “Nissus Writer”. (We reviewed it many years ago, for the local Macintosh computer club. It’s VERY powerful.)
  • Today, we received an eMail from the software company where we bought that $15 bundle. They were not only telling us what those 2 hidden programs are but they actually sent us the Activation Codes for them… “Nissus Writer” and “Snood”!!!

This is WAY beyond “coincidence”! There are no accidents!

  • Even if Sylvia and I don’t use these programs… “Snood” is a code for “my” from My Sylvia that I need to pay attention to my psychic energies and trust that I can now do more with them. She is also telling me that more layers of the “Veil” have now been dissolved and that we are continually closer… ever closer to being together again.

I’m including this because it shows that if we all pay close attention to the spinning energies, just within reach of our tiny worlds, we may just realize, as I just did, that we ARE evolving and now it’s Time to test  our psychic abilities. Don’t let the Cabal whisper in your ears and tell you “there’s nothing to see here”, “you can’t do those things”… because “YES”, you can!


I’ve mentioned before that I tell Sylvia the “Time” and “Date” throughout the day. A lot of times, my mind can’t seem to find the correct “Day”. A few days ago, when this happened, I mentioned it to Sylvia and she told me this is because I am being upgraded and transforming into a 4th dimensional Being. Staying in the “Now”, breaks the tie between our energies and the Cabal’s artificial counting system known as “Time”. The more I remain in the “Now”, the more difficult it will be for me (and everyone else who’s doing this) to stay attached to artificial Time. This is a very good thing because it means we are all breaking ourselves free from the crust of the Matrix… the Master Program… the illusion… the “Veil”.


Here’s an update from Cobra:

  • “Short Planetary Situation Report and Event Meditation Update”
  • “Recent false flag attacks in Paris were orchestrated by Black Nobility families behind the Jesuits as part of the occult war, to disrupt the energy grid and instill more fear. It is well known that Paris is an important energy vortex for Goddess energies, especially for Goddess Isis:”
  • “But those manipulations do not work anymore and people of Paris are not afraid:”
  • “Second, those attacks were made on Friday the 13th as an occult warning and threat to the Positive Templars that are supporting Putin and the Eastern Alliance behind the scenes.”
  • “Friday the13th of October 1307 was the day when majority of Templars were arrested in Paris and elsewhere in France:”
  • “Third, those attacks were orchestrated with a purpose of further polarizing European Christian population into religious hatred against Muslims. When all other attempts to start WW3 have failed, the dark forces are hoping to trigger that war by creating a critical mass of religious hatred between Christians and Muslims. This is a part of an ancient plan of the Cabal that already Nostradamus was hinting at. Here it is important to be aware that Islam is generally a peaceful religion and that radical militant Islamism was born in the 18th century as Wahhabism and was a joint British/Saudi creation:”
  • “On a more positive note, more than 1 million refugees have already returned to Syria since the beginning of the Russian military operations:”
  • “Germany is in the process of banning chick shredding, a horrible practice of unspeakable cruelty to animals:”
  • “And finally, a village in India has found an unique way to support equality of women:”
  • “Event Meditation Update”
  • “The time of our global Event Meditation is approaching fast:”
  • “Victory of the Light!”

Question everything.

Here’s the link:


This is Benjamin Fulford’s weekly report: This article is called: “Paris psy-ops is part of ongoing moves towards world government”. Here are some excerpts:

  • “The giant psychological warfare operation, where “ISIS terrorists” allegedly killed over a hundred people in Paris, on Friday the 13th, November, 2015, was just part of ongoing horse trading towards a world government.”
  • “To understand this, let us look at some key events surrounding the events in Paris.”
  • “First of all, the fact that thousands of witnesses all carrying video phones were unable to record the events of that day alone proves it was just a massive propaganda event, NSA and other sources agree. In addition, all 8 security camera feeds to the areas where the supposed massacres took place had been shut off, implying high level cooperation from the French security police, CIA sources say.”
  • “Next, let us look at what has resulted from this event. France has implemented martial law and closed its borders. This is classic Gladio strategy whereby a manufactured terror incident is used to implement a military government.”
  • “…there is now a Chinese, Russian, Iranian and Pentagon operation underway in the Middle East that is destroying the power base of the Khazarian mafia and their Israeli slave regime. The massive defeats being faced by the Khazarians and their ISIS subsidiary in the Middle East are of historical significance.”
  • “The Russians say “‘Putin’* bombed several ISIS oil-producing companies and a motorcade with oil that was already bought by ISIS business partners, and ‘Maniac Putin’ bombed ISIL refineries.” In other words they have started attacking the owners of ISIS in their wallets where it really hurts. They say this is just a beginning.”
  • “Israel also remains under a Chinese, Russian and Pentagon military blockade that will not be lifted until they withdraw from all illegally occupied territories. Even Israeli lobbying to keep the Golan Heights was rejected.”

My comment: “IF” even HALF of this is true, it looks as though SOMEONE is FINALLY doing SOMETHING!

  • “Both the Pentagon and the Russians believe the Khazarian mob and their ISIS proxies staged the Paris attacks as revenge against these setbacks. Pentagon sources say the attacks were a failed effort to get NATO to fight on behalf of Israel in Syria. Instead, the G20 nations just meeting in Turkey agreed that Israel and their bribed politicians in the United States were the leading world cause of terrorism.”
  • “The Russians are, for their part, also saying that France was targeted because the French and the Germans were trying to stop the Kazarian mobs’ distribution of forged “super-k” dollars in the Ukraine.”

Question everything.

Here’s the link:


This is Zap’s Sunday update. However, it starts with a message from Susan, “Poof’s” wife…


  • “…As time has progressed, the origin plan was altered and the Programs have been linked directly to the RV announcements. When you hear the RV has gone live, my understanding is, the trucks will be rolling to your location.”
  • “On the issue of address changes, my understanding is that at the time of your Wealth Management appointment (at the bank), you will be offered an 800# to share with anyone you know who may have been missed on the first go around of deliveries. Because I’m very much aware of many people’s anxiety in relationship to this matter it is my hope this will alleviate some of your concerns.”

“With Great Gratitude and Thanksgiving, SUSAN”

Now for Zap…


Question everything.

Here’s the link:


This next one’s a ‘bonus’ (something you should know but it doesn’t directly provide “me” with any feedback of “when” me and My Sylvia will be together).

The title of this article is: “A Vision Of The Crystalline World, Encounters With White Light Beings, And The Infinite”.

I’m including this because, “IF” it’s true, it provides Insights into the “New Earth”, which some people say we are already on.

I’m also including this because the Author also talks about “depression”. I’m feeling that some who read this may be helped by her story. Here’s an excerpt:

  • “Have you wondered what the New World looks like? Perhaps it’s so much beyond our imagination, we can’t see it until it arrives. Though I believe some people have been given a glimpse. I think my son saw the New Crystalline World. In 2010, my son Cameron, who was 20 years old at the time, came to our house to talk about how beautiful the world was. He didn’t live with us. He had suffered from mild depression off-and-on for a couple of years. When he showed up at our house, unannounced, to talk about the grand beauty of the world, it was a bit alarming. He pointed at the sky and said, “Look at the colors, look at how beautiful it is. He saw cobwebs everywhere, but he didn’t see them as ugly. He appeared to be touching them. We couldn’t see the cobwebs. He just couldn’t say enough about how beautiful the world was. He saw auras and colors glowed with energy. He could see the energy flowing through the electrical lines. The sky was rainbow. He didn’t see a rainbow, the entire sky was rainbow colored. He saw energy. He was auras. And he saw grand divine beauty. It wasn’t until five years later ,when he talked about that day, when we began to see that day for what it was.”

Question everything.

Here’s the link:

PS 11-15-15 *Music, Gaia, Distractions, Future?

*First a comment:

This song, “Calling All Humans”, is still not finished. Sylvia and I put another 6-hours into it today. The Vocal Track is probably done. There may be a tweak that we’ll need to do, once all the other components come together but it’s now at the stage where it’s taking on a life of its own We especially like the “Bridge” Section. It runs at half of the 130bpm (beats per minute) found in the rest of this song and has a pleasing melody. It could stand on its own and become its own song but, right now, we have no plans to do that.

As for the “Cyber Diva” singing software…
We’re still running into a few glitches. Most of them, though, we’ve managed to figure out with the help of the manual. The biggest hurdle, regarding this, that we crossed, is how to get her to sing 1 syllable across more than 1 note. Once we programmed her with the correct characters, the result is encouraging.


Here’s today’s message from “Gaia Portal”:

  • “Effluents are cleansed from hu-manity collective.”
  • “Standards of performance are no more.”
  • “Secular-ites have coalesced.”
  • “Portions of edibility now expand.”

My comment: Sylvia and I can’t speak for everyone but a LOT of us would like to see more “tangible”, “manifested” happenings on this planet than “words” describing what’s coming… and we’re not just talking about the enlightening messages from “Gaia Portal”.

Question everything.

Here’s the link:


This next one’s a ‘bonus’ (something you should know but it doesn’t directly provide “me” with any feedback of “when” me and My Sylvia will be together).

I debated about whether I should bring this subject up or not. I don’t typically Track any of the MSM (Main Stream Media) news on “Society” happenings… and I don’t want to start a discussion on the various “Society-level” things the Cabal have been forcing on Humanity

If you’re caught-up in the growing list of Cabal-engineered distractions, please ask a lot of questions, such as… if thousands of people “heard” or “witnessed” the recent Paris attacks, why aren’t there HUNDREDS of photos and videos of this event?… and, if the items on this Cabal distraction-list were so incredibly important when they happened, why isn’t anyone talking about them any more?

  • • Bird flu
  • • Swine flu
  • • Mad cow’s disease
  • • the Aurora shooting
  • • the Sandy Hook incident
  • • fema camps
  • • Jade Helm
  • • marshall law
  • • etc.

Are “any”, “all” or “none” of these happenings true? I don’t know. I DO know the Cabal are behind them and that they induce “fear” in most people when they happened.

It’s now Time for every Being on this great planet to take personal responsibility and not only reject everything the Cabal throws at us but to build your personal future with bricks of Questions… Questions lead to answers… Answers lead to Insights!

In the article on the following page, this information is what I want to focus on… how to see-through the Cabal’s actions:

  • “What I find very interesting is that yesterday was the anniversary of the Friday 13th massacre of the Knights Templar which occurred in France as well. My intuitive senses tell me there is a correlation between the two. So far I “feel” the “Powers That Were”, which are on their way out, attempted a ritual in the same location they did 708 years ago in the same country. They attempted a sudden release of traumatic soul energy to control and work for them. Which it did not work. Right now we are dealing the Physical Archonic forces. The unseen puppet masters are gone and they need new recruits. This type of severe darkest black magic doesn’t work in this new energy. So, nice try, but even the most evil attempts are now outdated and don’t work in this new paradigm of energy.”
  • “These Physical Archons have body cell memory of being about to use black magic to control anything they want.  They can see it doesn’t work anymore, but that will not stop them.  The physical bodies they are in are literally programmed to fight to the end.  So, it does not matter to them if they don’t achieve the result they wanted.  They are just as happy to scare the pants off the general public.  As I have said in my previous articles…you MUST do your inner work for your own personal sanity at this time.  We are going to see alot of Harry Potter bull crap attempted.  They will begin to use old occulted knowledge in a last attempt to control this new uncontrollable new reality.  None of it will work, but it will look scary as hell.  Inner work teaches you that fear is not who you are, your thoughts are not who you are, your body is not who you are.  You are soul energy that has never been born and therefore can never die.  Do not jump on the fear bandwagon or it will take you down a deep rabbit hole that will be hard to climb out of.”

Here’s the link:

I initially found that information after following some information on SoulSpeak’s Blogsite:


I’m including this as ‘extra credit’. It doesn’t apply to my quest of “when” My Sylvia and I will be together again and it isn’t necessarily what I would consider “bonus” information (which is something “I” feel you may want to know about, in regard to the current world we live in)

A couple of weeks ago, I had heard about this Australian model quitting social media but her video had been pulled and because it wasn’t something I Track, I just ignored it Today, an article about her, along with her video, appeared on 1 of the “digest” pages I check.

I’m including this because here is a 19-year old person who had the “rich-and-famous” lifestyle… had it all and then realized that her whole world was fake. She doesn’t know about the Cabal yet but she does understand clearly the many distractions the Cabal have placed into Society and is now telling everyone to “go talk to real people”.

So, for “me”, this is feedback that Humanity… the StarSeeds… the “Indigo” / “Rainbow” / “Crystal” Beings who have incarnated here to help Humanity, are now awake and moving mountains! Yes, I cried during her video.

Question everything.

Here’s the link:


I’m also including this as “extra credit”.

I just spent 39-minutes watching this video of a 15-year old telling about his near-death experience, in a meeting with many Rabbis.

My comments: To “me”, this is mostly a “Cabal-influenced” or “Cabal-induced” experience for this boy. I say “mostly” because there “may” be 1 or 2 pearls sprinkled within his story which may be helpful to my research. This information is the “Timing” of what is to unfold.

I do still believe we are on a “Positive” TimeLine. So the negative elements to his story I discount (remove)… but he says that these events will happen within the next few months and THAT brings me hope for the removal of the “Veil”.

I’m simply including this for you to make-up your own mind.

Question everything.

Here’s the link:

My Energy Levels

Sylvia suggested I Post this, because it may help others who are going through the loss of a Loved One or depression. It may also help those who know someone who is experiencing these situations. This is a personal look inside my “state-of-being” and, hopefully, this information may be of some help to others.

  • NOTE: I’ve Posted an exact copy of this information on our menu, called: “My Energy Levels”. Since the information below may help others for longer than the Posting of THIS message today, it will remain in that menu for everyone’s future reference. I have Posted this “here”, on our daily Blog page, in order to use “Tags” to let everyone know it’s available. (Of course, “Tags” can’t be added on Weebly. So if you want to “Follow” or “Like” any of these entries, please visit our WordPress Blog:)

Although I may add a few more levels of my core stability read-out to this list, this is what I’ve experienced so far in my daily “how are you feeling today?” question (whenever someone asks). The top of this list is the “ultimate” / “Sylvia and I are now physically together” and the bottom of this list is “rock bottom” / “crash-and-burn” / “complete chaos” / “no direction or purpose without My Sylvia”:

1 – With Sylvia

  • The ultimate experience for me and My Sylvia is to be “physically” with each other. Once we achieve this level, EVERYONE will know it because Sylvia and I will not only be arm-in-arm, 24/7, like we’ve been for OVER 21-years, but we will both have the BIGGEST grins on our faces.

2 – I’m on FIRE!

  • I can feel doorways opening and energies changing… lining-up… Sylvia and I are about to be “physically” reunited with each other

3 – Pleasantly Positive

4 – Cautiously Hopeful

5 – Holding my own.

  • It’s taking an effort to not dwell in the negative energies surrounding me at this time. Although I can still have moments of chaotic sparks of energy within me, I’m able to control most of this. (Sometimes, there are long stretches of days… even weeks, were this is as good as it gets for me.)

6 – Blah.

  • I’ll usually just make a noise, when asked how I’m doing. I’m doing my best to interact with “society” but, at times, I get a bit depressed, disoriented and have a little bit of chaotic energy. I do my best to keep these energies under control but it’s EXTREMELY difficult.

7 – Crash-and-burn.

  • I have completely shut down. Although I may look as though I’m going from “point A” to “point B”, I really don’t know how I got there or what I’m supposed to be doing… and this is the “good” part of this state. Typically, I’m disoriented, and don’t understand much more than simple instructions. I do not understand the details of basic “conversation” and I mostly want to just cry. Several months after Sylvia crossed-over, I spent a lot of time within this state… a LOT of time.

8 – (Yes, there’s another level lower than number 7. I really don’t want to describe this one because it means I have to reach inside those energies. Even as an “observer” this is painful.)

  • So, number 8 is “Meltdown”.
  • This state actually started WHILE Sylvia and I were in hospice… for 3-weeks! Now, I’m a loud talker anyway… so picture me in the hallway of a quiet, hospice setting. The patient’s are in their rooms resting and their loved-ones are by their side, feeling lots of stress. As I’m “talking” to the chaplain, nurses and other staff members, they urge me to go out to the hallway, so “I” wouldn’t bother Sylvia. I get to the hallway and begin to cry… a LOT. As I “talk” and “cry” at the same time, I get even LOUDER. Everyone urges me to go to the end of the hallway and go into that “waiting room”, where there’s a door they can close, but I refuse:
  • “I”M NOT LEAVING THIS ROOM!!!” (pointing to the door of Sylvia’s room, which is just a few feet from me.)
  • Because I was interacting with several other people at the time, I only really noticed my “outward” physical pains and energies, during those “Meltdowns”. When I was by myself, during those 1st 12-months, especially the first few DAYS after going home by myself, I could truly feel the “inner” pains and energies… and this was NOT pretty. I’d rather lose an arm or jump off a cliff than go through that feeling again. I would not wish this on anyone. The best way I can describe this feeling is that it’s like having a sword or arrow pierce through your heart and the tip stops just after slightly piercing your very Soul. The PAIN IS ENORMOUS! I’m not much of a linguist but I cannot find a word that describes just how painful this is… When it happens, I wrap my arms around myself, trying to contain it or at least settle it down… but this has no affect. There’s sometimes a sharp pain near my heart and it’s difficult to breath. My mind is foggy, my overall energies are very chaotic and my stress level is unmeasurable.

No matter which of the “negative” states I’m in, there is no cure. I simply have to work through it myself. If I’m about to knock something over or unknowingly harm someone else, then, yes, an extra pair of eyes on “me” will be appreciated.

…and, no matter which state I’m in, it sometimes doesn’t take much to immediately send me to ANY one of the other states… I don’t have to “go through” the next one in line.

Sometimes, I have to fool myself, in order to get myself through to the next “minute”… and the next… and, eventually, over the hump in the day, which can then bring me to the next day. Of course, it’s still bad when Sylvia and I leave the building we work in. At that point, I’m alone… all alone. It’s just a raw “me” and My Sylvia. The drive home is stressful and annoying because I’m not at work where things are familiar and we’re not home yet, where things are very familiar. Instead, we have to brave the lunacy we know as “driving in public”. Where some of the people are on cellphones and have no clue as to what’s happening around them… and there are others who tailgate everyone because they’re better than everyone else and can’t understand why there are ANY vehicles allowed on the road besides THEIRS! (Don’t believe me? See if you can drive 5-miles per hour slower than the speed limit without someone tailgating you — even if there’s a completely empty lane available, where they could easily enter and drive around you!)

Many people that “I” talk to still don’t “get it”. They just do not understand the situation Sylvia and I are in AND the way WE are handling this. When I tell them Sylvia crossed-over 240-weeks ago, they cannot comprehend that much Time passing, and yet, “I”, at least on the inside, am still extremely sad, sometimes depressed, mostly stressed and WILL NOT BREAK MY “LOOP”! (…of ‘eat, sleep, go to work, rinse, repeat)

PS 11-14-15 *Music, Zap

*First a comment:

We didn’t finish the song but we put a lot more effort into it. Sylvia and I had to run some errands after work today but after lunch, we did start working on our “Calling All Humans” song. We’re still fixing the “Cyber Diva” (software) Vocals. We spent 6-hours on those Vocals today!… and they’re still not done.

Initially, I thought this was going to be a simple, “rubber stamp”, pop-rock song but today I discovered that it wants a Tempo change in the middle of it.


I forgot to include Zap’s update from last Wednesday. Here are some excerpts:


Question everything.

Here’s the link: