My Energy Levels

Sylvia suggested I Post this, because it may help others who are going through the loss of a Loved One or depression. It may also help those who know someone who is experiencing these situations. This is a personal look inside my “state-of-being” and, hopefully, this information may be of some help to others.

  • NOTE: I’ve Posted an exact copy of this information on our menu, called: “My Energy Levels”. Since the information below may help others for longer than the Posting of THIS message today, it will remain in that menu for everyone’s future reference. I have Posted this “here”, on our daily Blog page, in order to use “Tags” to let everyone know it’s available.

Although I may add a few more levels of my core stability read-out to this list, this is what I’ve experienced so far in my daily “how are you feeling today?” question (whenever someone asks). The top of this list is the “ultimate” / “Sylvia and I are now physically together” and the bottom of this list is “rock bottom” / “crash-and-burn” / “complete chaos” / “no direction or purpose without My Sylvia”:

1 – With Sylvia

  • The ultimate experience for me and My Sylvia is to be “physically” with each other. Once we achieve this level, EVERYONE will know it because Sylvia and I will not only be arm-in-arm, 24/7, like we’ve been for OVER 21-years, but we will both have the BIGGEST grins on our faces.

2 – I’m on FIRE!

  • I can feel doorways opening and energies changing… lining-up… Sylvia and I are about to be “physically” reunited with each other

3 – Pleasantly Positive

4 – Cautiously Hopeful

5 – Holding my own.

  • It’s taking an effort to not dwell in the negative energies surrounding me at this time. Although I can still have moments of chaotic sparks of energy within me, I’m able to control most of this. (Sometimes, there are long stretches of days… even weeks, were this is as good as it gets for me.)

6 – Blah.

  • I’ll usually just make a noise, when asked how I’m doing. I’m doing my best to interact with “society” but, at times, I get a bit depressed, disoriented and have a little bit of chaotic energy. I do my best to keep these energies under control but it’s EXTREMELY difficult.

7 – Crash-and-burn.

  • I have completely shut down. Although I may look as though I’m going from “point A” to “point B”, I really don’t know how I got there or what I’m supposed to be doing… and this is the “good” part of this state. Typically, I’m disoriented, and don’t understand much more than simple instructions. I do not understand the details of basic “conversation” and I mostly want to just cry. Several months after Sylvia crossed-over, I spent a lot of time within this state… a LOT of time.

8 – (Yes, there’s another level lower than number 7. I really don’t want to describe this one because it means I have to reach inside those energies. Even as an “observer” this is painful.)

  • So, number 8 is “Meltdown”.
  • This state actually started WHILE Sylvia and I were in hospice… for 3-weeks! Now, I’m a loud talker anyway… so picture me in the hallway of a quiet, hospice setting. The patient’s are in their rooms resting and their loved-ones are by their side, feeling lots of stress. As I’m “talking” to the chaplain, nurses and other staff members, they urge me to go out to the hallway, so “I” wouldn’t bother Sylvia. I get to the hallway and begin to cry… a LOT. As I “talk” and “cry” at the same time, I get even LOUDER. Everyone urges me to go to the end of the hallway and go into that “waiting room”, where there’s a door they can close, but I refuse:
  • “I”M NOT LEAVING THIS ROOM!!!” (pointing to the door of Sylvia’s room, which is just a few feet from me.)
  • Because I was interacting with several other people at the time, I only really noticed my “outward” physical pains and energies, during those “Meltdowns”. When I was by myself, during those 1st 12-months, especially the first few DAYS after going home by myself, I could truly feel the “inner” pains and energies… and this was NOT pretty. I’d rather lose an arm or jump off a cliff than go through that feeling again. I would not wish this on anyone. The best way I can describe this feeling is that it’s like having a sword or arrow pierce through your heart and the tip stops just after slightly piercing your very Soul. The PAIN IS ENORMOUS! I’m not much of a linguist but I cannot find a word that describes just how painful this is… When it happens, I wrap my arms around myself, trying to contain it or at least settle it down… but this has no affect. There’s sometimes a sharp pain near my heart and it’s difficult to breath. My mind is foggy, my overall energies are very chaotic and my stress level is unmeasurable.

No matter which of the “negative” states I’m in, there is no cure. I simply have to work through it myself. If I’m about to knock something over or unknowingly harm someone else, then, yes, an extra pair of eyes on “me” will be appreciated.

…and, no matter which state I’m in, it sometimes doesn’t take much to immediately send me to ANY one of the other states… I don’t have to “go through” the next one in line.

Sometimes, I have to fool myself, in order to get myself through to the next “minute”… and the next… and, eventually, over the hump in the day, which can then bring me to the next day. Of course, it’s still bad when Sylvia and I leave the building we work in. At that point, I’m alone… all alone. It’s just a raw “me” and My Sylvia. The drive home is stressful and annoying because I’m not at work where things are familiar and we’re not home yet, where things are very familiar. Instead, we have to brave the lunacy we know as “driving in public”. Where some of the people are on cellphones and have no clue as to what’s happening around them… and there are others who tailgate everyone because they’re better than everyone else and can’t understand why there are ANY vehicles allowed on the road besides THEIRS! (Don’t believe me? See if you can drive 5-miles per hour slower than the speed limit without someone tailgating you — even if there’s a completely empty lane available, where they could easily enter and drive around you!)

Many people that “I” talk to still don’t “get it”. They just do not understand the situation Sylvia and I are in AND the way WE are handling this. When I tell them Sylvia crossed-over 240-weeks ago, they cannot comprehend that much Time passing, and yet, “I”, at least on the inside, am still extremely sad, sometimes depressed, mostly stressed and WILL NOT BREAK MY “LOOP”! (…of ‘eat, sleep, go to work, rinse, repeat)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s